Losing the Fattitude

Tomorrow is somewhat of a milestone on my journey.  As of the stroke of midnight I will have been two weeks without a single soft drink or any sort of fried food. I have remained on an incredibly clean eating plan in which I have only loosened my belt a little bit on Saturday nights so as not to go insane.    I can also say that I have been to the gym five days per week, for the last two weeks.  Even though it has only been two weeks, I feel better already and I am quite proud of what I have accomplished in this short time.

Despite what may seem like a full head of steam, these changes do not yet feel permanent.  I still feel as if I am dieting for a short time, rather than making a lasting lifestyle change. I find that when other people are eating a cheeseburger and french fries I am not yet to the point where my first thought is, "I used to be that guy."  Instead, my first thought is...

"That lucky bastard!"

I constantly question these feelings as they arise, which happens quite often.  "Why do I still feel that way, in spite of how good eating well and exercising makes me feel?"  "Why is the temptation still so strong?"  "Why can't I lose the "Fattitude?!"

It would appear that this "Fattitude" has been a way of life for some time and I am just now realizing it.  I have come to realize that I am not only quite lazy, but I am also obsessed with eating.  It is a daily struggle to motivate myself to go to the gym, and a constant struggle to eat right. Even now that I am only eating small healthy meals, I find myself watching the clock and counting down until I can eat again.

Why can't I be one of those people that eats when they are hungry and stops when they are full?  Why can't I be one of those people that enjoys eating healthy food because of the way it makes them feel? Why can't going for a jog sound more entertaining than sitting in my recliner and watching television? Why do I always feel that I am one small bump away from falling off of the wagon?

Still looks like an ideal evening.

Maybe these questions can all be answered with a quick Google search; Perhaps I have a chemical addiction to food, or maybe there is some sort of deep rooted psychological cause for my "fattitude."  Some would suggest that all the extra weight I am carrying around causes hormonal changes that slow metabolism to a crawl and cause decreased energy levels.  

While listing the possible contributing factors to my predicament may be as simple as typing a question into a search field, finding a long term solution is proving to be far more difficult.  It would appear as though there is no clear cut path to finding your motivation or to changing your attitude on life (Yes, I checked Google Maps). Apparently I am going to have to do this searching on my own, but where do I start?  

Obviously the answer is not within myself.  The motivation to better myself for the sake of myself simply isn't there. What about someone else?  Do I have the drive and determination to make lasting lifestyle changes for my wife and son who count on me to support them? Perhaps, but I seem to be able to support them and eat Swiss Cake Rolls at the same time, at least for now.  How about a heart attack?  That seems a little drastic, and I certainly hope that I won't require some sort of medical emergency to finally change my way of thinking.

So where will I find the answer to my quandary?  I suppose I could stumble upon it at the gym when I am finally able to run an entire two miles, or when I finally start to see a hint of muscle definition.  Or maybe I will find it in a few years when Jackson starts tee ball and I am able to run and play with him without being winded.  Perhaps, even, I will find my motivation one day when I am leaving for work and my wife says "You look nice today."  Or maybe the key to motivating myself lies within all these ideas.  Maybe, just maybe...  

The lifestyle is its own motivation.