Losing the Fattitude

Tomorrow is somewhat of a milestone on my journey.  As of the stroke of midnight I will have been two weeks without a single soft drink or any sort of fried food. I have remained on an incredibly clean eating plan in which I have only loosened my belt a little bit on Saturday nights so as not to go insane.    I can also say that I have been to the gym five days per week, for the last two weeks.  Even though it has only been two weeks, I feel better already and I am quite proud of what I have accomplished in this short time.

Despite what may seem like a full head of steam, these changes do not yet feel permanent.  I still feel as if I am dieting for a short time, rather than making a lasting lifestyle change. I find that when other people are eating a cheeseburger and french fries I am not yet to the point where my first thought is, "I used to be that guy."  Instead, my first thought is...

"That lucky bastard!"

I constantly question these feelings as they arise, which happens quite often.  "Why do I still feel that way, in spite of how good eating well and exercising makes me feel?"  "Why is the temptation still so strong?"  "Why can't I lose the "Fattitude?!"

It would appear that this "Fattitude" has been a way of life for some time and I am just now realizing it.  I have come to realize that I am not only quite lazy, but I am also obsessed with eating.  It is a daily struggle to motivate myself to go to the gym, and a constant struggle to eat right. Even now that I am only eating small healthy meals, I find myself watching the clock and counting down until I can eat again.

Why can't I be one of those people that eats when they are hungry and stops when they are full?  Why can't I be one of those people that enjoys eating healthy food because of the way it makes them feel? Why can't going for a jog sound more entertaining than sitting in my recliner and watching television? Why do I always feel that I am one small bump away from falling off of the wagon?

Still looks like an ideal evening.

Maybe these questions can all be answered with a quick Google search; Perhaps I have a chemical addiction to food, or maybe there is some sort of deep rooted psychological cause for my "fattitude."  Some would suggest that all the extra weight I am carrying around causes hormonal changes that slow metabolism to a crawl and cause decreased energy levels.  

While listing the possible contributing factors to my predicament may be as simple as typing a question into a search field, finding a long term solution is proving to be far more difficult.  It would appear as though there is no clear cut path to finding your motivation or to changing your attitude on life (Yes, I checked Google Maps). Apparently I am going to have to do this searching on my own, but where do I start?  

Obviously the answer is not within myself.  The motivation to better myself for the sake of myself simply isn't there. What about someone else?  Do I have the drive and determination to make lasting lifestyle changes for my wife and son who count on me to support them? Perhaps, but I seem to be able to support them and eat Swiss Cake Rolls at the same time, at least for now.  How about a heart attack?  That seems a little drastic, and I certainly hope that I won't require some sort of medical emergency to finally change my way of thinking.

So where will I find the answer to my quandary?  I suppose I could stumble upon it at the gym when I am finally able to run an entire two miles, or when I finally start to see a hint of muscle definition.  Or maybe I will find it in a few years when Jackson starts tee ball and I am able to run and play with him without being winded.  Perhaps, even, I will find my motivation one day when I am leaving for work and my wife says "You look nice today."  Or maybe the key to motivating myself lies within all these ideas.  Maybe, just maybe...  

The lifestyle is its own motivation.

Walk But Don't Stop: An Epiphany

No, I didn't make it to the gym on Wednesday.  I very seriously considered lying about that fact because, lets face it, "If you lie in the woods and no one is around to hear it, did you really lie?" But I decided to come clean.  I have done enough lying to myself about my personal health, and it is past time for that to come to an end. I did, however, spend most of the day buying and cooking healthy meals that would last the rest of the week, so the day was not a total loss.

I  was also able to use Wednesdays "failure" to dig up the motivation to wake up at 7:30 AM on Thursday, Friday, AND Saturday and put in at least an hour at the gym each of those three days.  That's right, THREE days in a row of running on the treadmill and weight training, and I didn't even cry one time! I did, however, rediscover my shin splints on the very first day and come to the realization that my body was fairly dehydrated.

After the first days tribulations I found myself not only sore, but also frustrated on Day #2.  As I walked across the parking lot to the gym that day a menagerie of questions rushed through my mind;  "Am I physically capable of doing enough in the gym to make a difference", "Should I really be coming back today", "Am I wasting my time?"  Then, a simple comment from a friend came to mind...

"You need to do more cardio."

This was my original, unspoken response. At that point, however, I had not fully processed the statement.  Of course it was obvious, that is how the comment was intended. But this particular comment seemed to swan dive into the deepest recesses of my brain that have apparently been inaccessible until recently (perhaps because they we filled with Diet Coke).

I kept repeating it over and over to myself, and it was soon about more than just a treadmill. "You need to do more cardio," it resonated one last time. Then something clicked as I closed my gym locker door and I caught myself audibly saying "You need to do more cardio," as if I had just heard it for the first time, and I decided right then that I would log two miles on the treadmill no matter what.

For some of you, two miles sounds minuscule.  For me, two miles might as well be two light years, as I would soon find out.  Not even 1/4th of a mile in to my brisk jog my calves began burning, my shins began aching, and I was seriously considering stopping for water.  Then, right as I was preparing to hit the "Stop" button, I realized that I wasn't cheating myself if I slowed down.

So that's exactly what I did, I slowed my pace to a walk for 30 seconds.  During those 30 most glorious seconds all the tightness in my legs subsided, and before I knew it I was ready to run again.  I repeated this pattern of running/ walking for the duration of the workout, and eventually exceeded my goal of two miles. Then, while wiping down the sweat soaked machine I came to the realization that I had, in fact, done more cardio.

As it would turn out, I had been doing myself a great disservice all along by trying to push through the pain and ultimately coming up short of my goals.  Thus, a new philosophy on life was born...

"You can walk, just don't stop."

It seems like such a simple concept, but it is one I had never considered an option for myself.  I have come to realize that, with most things in life, I wait until I am 100% ready to do something, and then it consumes my entire life until it ultimately fizzles and I return to my old ways. 

This seems especially true with dieting.  I sit around and eat junk food for a few years until one day I wake up and say "Holy shit! I weigh 308 lbs and I'm going to have a heart attack in my 30's if I don't do something."  Then I go on a super clean diet and exercise routine for a few months. During that time I always end up losing a substantial amount of weight, but it inevitably makes a comeback when then "holy shit" factor wears off.

I am now learning to fully embrace the "Walk But Don't Stop" philosophy in all aspects of my life, especially my personal health and my career. From now on, when life becomes overwhelming or discouraging, I am going to avoid the temptation to "hit the stop button" or "break into an all out sprint." Instead, I'm going to slow to a walk for just long enough to regain focus then take off running again without ever stopping.

The Initial Weigh In

In my initial post I inserted an image of a BMI calculator, where I claimed to be 275 lbs.  At the time I estimated that 275 was probably a slight exaggeration. However, I had not actually been on a scale because, well, I was horrified to do so.  

The next morning I bit the bullet and dug the scale out of its hiding place in the hall closet. Initially, after stepping onto that poor scale, I averted my gaze in a manner similar to the maneuver you use when encountering someone in public who is a Facebook "friend" but who you actually have no desire to speak to in reality. You know the one... "Just don't make eye contact, keep going, and hope you don't run into them again."  However, just as you inevitably run into that "friend" numerous times and eventually must make awkward conversation, I eventually had to face reality and look at the scale.

278 lbs!

"Two hundred and seventy eight pounds," said the miserable, heartless, box of wires that rested beneath my feet.  As a knee-jerk reaction I told the smart ass scale to "shut the f*ck, b*tch!" and forcefully slammed it back into the closet.  That would surely teach it the lesson it deserved.

While I have managed to calm myself, and apologize to the scale, I am still fairly upset that I let my weight get that high again.  After all, no more than a month ago I had weighed 267 lbs.  The fact that one person can even gain 11 lbs in a single month has to be some sort of record.

Now three days later, I find find myself at a slightly less disappointing 272 lbs.  While I realize most of the 6 lbs is "water weight" and not actual fat loss, the number is still encouraging

The Goal:

At my fittest, in highschool, I weighed 155 lbs and had about 9% body fat.  On March 1st 2012 I weighed in at a massive 308 lbs, at which point I halfheartedly resolved to go on a diet.  364 days later I am down 36 lbs.  I realize that 155 lbs is an unrealistic goal to set for myself.  Setting that goal would not only be unfair to myself, but would also eventually end in disappointment and a very probable relapse of old habits. 

After much consideration I have decided that my intial goals will be:

Short Term: 262 lbs by March 30th (4 weeks from Saturday)

Long(er) Term: 250 lbs by May 4th (KY Derby Day)

Ultimate Goal: 195 lbs by (a date to be determined on May 4th)

The first two goals are very attainable, but will require focus.  My ultimate goal, however, is quite intimidating. After all, I haven't weighed 195 lbs in approximately eight years. No to mention, meeting that goal will require a total weight loss of 113 lbs from my heaviest weight last March.  

Enough about the future, for now I am riding on the emotional highs of a fantastic work out, and my outlook on life in general has drastically improved already.  Until next time, lets hope that these good feelings last and the Diet Coke headaches continue to stay the f*ck away.

Saying Goodbye to a Dear Friend

Good News!

Operation "Eat All the Food" was a huge success.  I managed to eat and drink everything in the house and then some... which made me feel terrible.  By Sunday evening I was lethargic, nauseous, and full of enough junk food to choke a manatee.  While disgusting, or even disturbing, the over all feeling of "I may die soon" has proved to be nothing but added motivation.  

Yesterday was the first day of a new diet, and a new way of life. The day 1 meal plan included:

Breakfast:

Black Coffee
Special K Protein Plus Cereal w/skim milk

Lunch:

Spaghetti Squash and Meatballs

Snacks:

1 large orange

Celery

Dinner:

Tuna fish sandwich on 1 slice whole grain bread

I know, pretty damn healthy right?  I found that I actually enjoyed eating healthy (which is the exact opposite of past attempts) and at no point during the day did I feel like I was going to starve to death.  As a matter of fact I felt so good after breakfast that I believe I may have bitten off more than I can chew.  I have decided to give up soft drinks.    

For some, saying "hasta la vista" to soft drinks may sound simple.  For me, however, it will be like saying goodbye to a life long friend.  Diet Coke has become something I not only enjoy on a daily basis, but also something that I apparently NEED, as I came to find out last night when the head ache struck.  

Goodbye, old friend.  You will be missed... for two weeks.
 Then, I hear, my addiction will be broken and I will hate you.

While not especially painful, my Diet Coke headache proved to be quite a nuisance.  It brought on a dull yet persistent pain, accompanied by a foggy or dream like feeling, both of which lingered for hours.  Even ibuprofen seemed unable to eliminate my ailment. Only sleep would eventually bring relief.

Despite yesterdays struggles, and the headache already beginning to makes its return today, I remain stalwart in my pursuit to kick the Cokes. I am determined to fight through the temptations and torment so I can become one of those (healthy) freaks at restaurants who always orders water.

For now, however, my biggest concern is finding time to make it to the gym.  While I understand that exercise will be crucial to my success, I don't particularly enjoy exercising and I have never understood how someone could become addicted to it.  Or at least that is how the OLD Josh felt!  

The new and improved Josh loves to exercise.  There is no place new and improved Josh would rather be than on a treadmill.  So that is exactly where new and improved Josh will be bright and early tomorrow morning. On the treadmill... having fun... sweating because I enjoy it... not hating life... or crying.

Rock Bottom

This is where I have found myself.  How do I know I've hit rock bottom?  Well, for starters, my breakfast has consisted of Cheese-Its on more than one morning this week.

Still not convinced? Check out the results of this BMI calculator:

For the information you entered:

Calculate again: English | Metric

Height: 7 feet, 6 inches Weight: 275 pounds Your BMI is 23.9, indicating your weight is in theNormal category for adults of your height. For your height, a normal weight range would be from 213 to 287 pounds. Maintaining a healthy weight may reduce the risk of chronic diseases associated with overweight and obesity. For information about the importance of a healthy diet and physical activity in maintaining a healthy weight, visit Preventing Weight Gain.

BMI Weight Status Below 18.5 Underweight 18.5—24.9 Normal  25.0—29.9 Overweight 30.0 and Above Obese

23.9!  Just barely within the normal range for a man who is 7' 6" tall. Unfortunately I am only 6'. 

Now that I am here, at this lonely place called rock bottom, I realize that there is one advantage to being here.  I have no where to go but up.  

I am fed up with being fat.  I look like shit and feel like shit, mostly because I eat like shit, and I am sick of it. Beginning this Monday, February 25, I am changing my life.  I will be changing what I eat, when I eat, and where I eat.  I will begin implementing an exercise routine on a daily basis and opting for more active hobbies and weekends. Fitness will replace "fatness" in all aspects of my life, and this blog will chronicle all the ups and downs along the way.

I am more motivated than ever to achieve my fitness and weight loss goals... starting Monday. For now I have to clean out (aka eat) all the unhealthy food in the house and drink a ridiculous amount of bourbon.

Cheers!